


A Lack of Understanding

by HereToWrite



Series: The Captain of My Soul [2]
Category: His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman, The A-Team (2010), The A-Team (TV), The A-Team - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Daemons, Angst, Anxiety, BA isn’t built for this but he’s doing his best, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:21:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26701342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HereToWrite/pseuds/HereToWrite
Summary: BA comes back from Mexico with a bullet wound in his shoulder, a lovely array of lightning bolt stitches across his arm, and an acceptance back into the military that he never thought possible. It’s like a dream. One of those secret wishes that only he and Petra know about and don’t dare voice.  More than that, he’s come back from Mexico with a team. With a colonel and a lieutenant that are strange yet familiar all at once. It’s perfect.And then there’s the captain.In which, BA doesn’t understand Murdock, but grows to be okay with that. A story in five parts.
Series: The Captain of My Soul [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1801135
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	A Lack of Understanding

**Author's Note:**

> I borrowed Mexico and some other elements from the movie, but in my heart this story still takes place in the 1980s.

**I**

BA comes back from Mexico with a bullet wound in his shoulder, a lovely array of lightning bolt stitches across his arm, and an acceptance back into the military that he never thought possible. It’s like a dream. One of those secret wishes that only he and Petra know about and don’t dare voice. More than that, he’s come back from Mexico with a team. With a colonel and a lieutenant that are strange yet familiar all at once. It’s perfect. 

And then there’s the captain. 

BA slides his eyes away from the newspaper he’s been flipping through and lets them land on Murdock. The man in question is flipping through TV channels faster than BA can track and yet he comments on each and everyone to the hummingbird fluttering by his side. He doesn’t get it. If he’s honest, he doesn’t get Murdock in general. He’s apparently a brilliant pilot and an army ranger with a near perfect memory, and yet, in the two days BA has known him he’s lit Peck’s arm on fire, sang nothing but offkey opera music, and has successfully given BA what he’s sure is a lifelong case of acrophobia after dumping him out of the side of a helicopter. 

He can still remember the horrible gut wrenching feeling of flying through the air with only Peck’s hand as an anchor. He can still remember Petra’s horrified screaming as she stood safe in the cockpit and he remembers wondering bizarrely if she would follow him if he should fall. Remembers wondering which would kill him first: the ground or the Separation. So BA doesn’t get Murdock, doesn’t trust him, and most certainly doesn’t like him. 

So naturally Colonel Smith and Lieutenant Peck had left him alone with the fool while they took care of business. 

“We’ll be back in two weeks,” they’d said. “Try not to kill each other.” And vanished. 

BA scowls at the memory and goes back to his paper. Fools, the lot of them. It would serve him right if he killed the crazy man. 

“Hey BA!” Baracus jolts back in alarm as Murdock seemingly materializes in front of him, face inches from his. At his side Petra hisses. 

“Murdock.” He growls out, resituating himself as Murdock forgoes a chair in lue of sitting on the coffee table. 

“Sorry big guy I didn’t mean to scare ya. Cielia here is always telling me that it ain’t no good to go sneaking up on people, but I wasn’t even trying to sneak. Honest.”

“I wasn’t scared,” BA huffs, “You just caught me off guard that’s all.” 

Murdock hums, “My bad, figured that if you didn’t hear me Petra would. She’s a honey badger right?” 

BA doesn’t respond. He just raises his newspaper back up and scowls behind it. Maybe, just maybe, if he pretends like the crazy man isn’t there he’ll lose interest.

Instead Murdock asks, “You’re a honey badger right?” 

BA jolts, whipping the newspaper aside to stare in horror as Murdock addresses his very soul without permission. 

Murdock just keeps sitting there beaming, oblivious, as Cielia flutters around his head. She chirps something and Murdock looks at her. He frowns. Turns to look at BA and something like panic shows up in his eyes for the briefest of moments. 

He coughs, fidgets, “I meant _she’s_ a honey badger. I was just repeating the question, nothing else.” His voice shakes just enough for BA to notice and something twinges in his chest. Not pity. Not fondness. Just something. 

“She’s a honey badger,” he relents. “Now leave her alone.” 

He goes back to his newspaper and Murdock rewards him with five glorious seconds of silence before. 

“Whatcha readin’? Anything good? I haven’t had a chance to catch up on current events recently. My favorite parts are the puzzles.” 

“I’m just readin’,” BA hisses through clenched teeth. 

Murdock nods like BA’s offering sage advice. 

“You know, I can show you something really neat with that if you’d like!” He reaches out a hand towards BA’s newspaper. 

At his side Petra growls, low and threatening in her throat, and Murdock freezes, hand stilling and then falling slowly back into his lap, “Then again. Maybe not.”

BA chances another glance over his paper. That panicked look is back and Cielia’s hovering closer to Murdock’s side. He cups his hands around her. BA sighs, remembers his mama’s words about building bridges instead of burning them and pulls a page out of the paper.

“You said ya like the puzzles?” 

Murdock’s head lifts up and he nods enthusiastically. 

“Take ‘em, I ain’t got time for games.” 

He flings the pages at the madman, who handles them reverently. 

“Thanks,” he whispers. 

His mama would want him to say you’re welcome, but she ain't here. 

“This don’t mean I like you,” he insists. “Wasn’t gonna do them anyway. ” 

“Right, of course,” Murdock mutters, but he’s sitting quietly now hunched over the paper with a pen he got from who knows where. 

BA goes back to the paper.

To his amazement Murdock leaves six minutes later, abandoning the newspaper on the coffee table. Figures. The crazy man couldn’t even focus on what he liked. But when BA picks up the pages he finds the crossword impeccably filled out. 

Later when he and Petra examine it they only find one error. Two down asks for a seven lettered synonym for crazy and Murdock had hastily scratched in his own name instead. 

**II**

As much as BA is loath to admit it the crossword puzzle changes things. Changes everything. It gives Murdock a dimension and an intelligence that BA had refused to acknowledge previously. 

“If he’s so smart, why is he so messed up in the head?” He asks Petra as he laces up his boots and throws on his coat. “I mean how can a man that fills out a crossword in less than ten minutes go and try and drink rubbing alcohol the next day? It’s...it’s....”

“Insane?” Petra offers.

“ _Yes._ He just ain’t normal!” 

“He’s from an insane asylum,” Petra replies. “I wouldn’t expect him to be.” 

“Expect who to be what?” Murdock appears out of nowhere and BA hates himself for jumping. He can’t keep getting caught off guard like this, it isn’t good for his reputation. 

“Nothin’,” BA scowls. “We ain’t talkin’ to you and we don’t want to be.” 

“Oh.” Murdock looks disappointed and BA almost feels bad. 

Then he remembers that the fool had dropped him out of a helicopter and all pity instantly vanishes. 

“Yes, oh,” he turns and begins to walk down the street. 

“So, where we headin’?” 

“ _I’m_ heading to the store with Petra,” he hints, naturally Murdock doesn’t pick up on it. 

“Oh! Cielia and I haven’t been to the store in _ages._ Tell me do they still sell gummy worms? They’re our favorites.” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Well then I guess Cielia and I will just have to tag along and see for ourselves! And see how we’re new in town I think it makes most sense for us to just come with the two of you!” 

Petra growls low in her throat and BA is inclined to agree with her. But it is true that Murdock and Cielia don’t know where the store is and they’re already halfway there anyway. 

“Fine. You can come.” 

Murdock blinks at them, “I thought I was already coming?” 

BA grinds his teeth together and walks faster. At his heels Petra is fuming. He can feel it, can see it in the way her hackles rise, and her ears twitch.

“So…” Murdock drawls once he’s caught up, turning to walk backwards so as to face BA. “Tell me a bit about yourself big guy?” 

“No.” 

“Ah come on, don’t be like that!” Murdock smiles. “I don’t need much. How about we start off easy? Like what your daemon’s name is? I don’t think I caught it before.” 

“Petra.” 

“Oh lovely! Like the Latin word for rock!” Murdock says immediately. “Or I suppose the Ancient Greek word pétra, but that’s a discussion for another day! How funny would it have been if you’d been named Peter? Peter and Petra, two rocks!” 

BA stares as Murdock continues to rattle on about Latin roots and etymology and other nonsense that BA can’t begin to understand. 

He probably would’ve just kept going except that Cielia nips at Murdock’s ear and BA just catches a soft, “They’re staring at us.” 

“Is something wrong?” Murdock asks. 

“How’d you know all that?” 

Murdock blinks, “Know what?” 

“All that Latin stuff.” 

“Oh, easy. Cielia and I speak over five different languages. Over six if you count Russian, but our vocabulary and accent are mediocre at best.” 

Petra’s astonishment shoots through him and mingles with his own. 

“How?” And to BA’s astonishment it’s Petra who speaks. Bewildered and thrown. 

Murdock looks down at her and beams. “Just got an ear for it I guess.” 

And he’s off talking again, bearly giving BA enough time to wince at the way he’d addressed his soul. 

**III**

The world, BA thinks, should be simple. The bad and the good should be clearly defined and what he can and cannot punch should be made clear. It should be a series of easy questions with easy answers. If someone is bad they deserve to be punished. If someone is good they deserve to be rewarded. Except that the world isn’t like that. It’s _never_ simple. It’s full of twisting curves and shades of grey that make his skin crawl and his teeth clench. The answers are never simple and Murdock is a growing complexity that he can’t stand. 

In some ways he’s gotten used to it. One can only spend so much time with someone before some of their quirks start to become nuance, but in most ways it makes his skin crawl. He shudders every time Murdock accidentally addresses Petra separately, every time he gets too close to her. He pulls away when the madman tries to pat his shoulders. He doesn’t know if crazy is contagious, but he ain’t about to find out. 

Murdock to his credit never seems to fumble. Never seems to take it personally. He just smiles and reaches out to pat BA’s shoulder anyway. He ignores every cold shoulder, every scathing remark, and it drives BA wild. 

“Ya know BA,” Murdock says his mouth full of chips. “I was thinkin’, well Cielia and I were thinking together, two heads are better than one you know.” 

“There ain’t anything in your head crazy,” BA shoots back. 

Murdock doesn’t comment, just moves forward, “I was thinkin’ that we should all get friendship bracelets. A little memento that we’re all in this for the long haul. You know something to remind us all that this is real.” 

“What are you seven?” BA shoots back.

Murdock frowns, “No, I don’t think so.” 

“I ain’t wearin’ no friendship bracelet.” 

“Oh come on!” Murdock pouts, “It’ll be fun. Come on Petra back me up!” He turns to speak to the honey badger directly, despite Cielia’s chirps of alarm. 

BA’s already brittle patience shatters. 

“Man, didn’t your mama ever teach you any manners?” 

“My mama didn’t teach me much of anything,” Murdock shrugs. “She died when I was five.” He says it like he’s talking about the weather or last night's ball game. 

BA stares at him. 

“What?” It’s the first time BA’s heard Murdock sound defensive. 

“I didn’t know your mama died?” 

Murdock stiffens, his hands come up to grasp Cielia and BA watches as he pulls her close to his chest, thumb rubbing over her head softly. 

“Yeah well you didn’t ask.” 

He stands abruptly and walks away. BA watches him go and wonders what it’d be like to grow up without his mama. It isn’t until that night that he realizes that it was the first time Murdock had ended a conversation. 

**IV**

“Do you think his mama dying is what made him go crazy?” Petra asks him that night as she lays curled against his stomach. 

BA doesn’t know how to answer. 

“I’m sure it didn’t help,” he decides. 

“How do you think it happened?” And she sounds strangely subdued. “Not his mama dying,” she clarifies. “I mean how do you think he ended up this way.” 

BA shrugs, turns to stare at the ceiling. 

He isn’t good with hypotheticals. Petra knows this. But the question hangs in the air waiting to be answered. 

“I don’t know,” he says at last. “Do you think he ever wasn’t crazy?” 

Petra is quiet for a long time. “It’s hard to imagine,” she says at last. 

BA thinks of sock puppet soldiers and perfume lined cocktails and nods, “Yeah. It is.” 

And he thinks that’s a shame, because he thinks maybe it shouldn’t be. He thinks that maybe he should be able to imagine a young Murdock happy and eager to fly, before he ended up here stuck on the ground. Smith seems sure that he can get Murdock up in the air again, but BA has his doubts. Even if the colonel does manage it BA doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to go up with the crazy man. 

They fall into silence. It’s comfortable, familiar. He and Petra have always been a duo of few words. Words are sloppy and he much prefers action. She nudges under his arm and he pets her head. He expects she’ll say something else soon. He doesn’t expect his door to squeak open instead.

He tenses.

“It’s just Murdock and Cielia,” Petra tells him, confusion radiating off her as she raises her head. 

BA scowls, fumbles for the bedroom lamp. 

“What do you think you’re doing fool?” He rants. “Don’t you know what time—“ he stops when the lamp flickers on and Murdock comes into view. 

The man looks like a shell of himself, eyes wide and hands clasped tightly around his daemon. They’re shaking. 

“Murdock?” BA says, moving to sit up. “You okay there?” 

“I—“ Murdock’s thumbs scrap over Cielia’s head, down her back. He repeats the motion over and over like he’s not aware he’s doing it. His lone ‘I’ hangs in the air unfinished. It makes BA’s stomach flip nervously. 

“Murdock?” He repeats, swinging his legs out of bed and standing. “I’m gonna need a bit more than that.” 

This isn't his element. He doesn’t do _feelings_. Doesn’t understand all those little nuances that make bad days better. Still he isn’t heartless and he manages to cross the room with Petra at his heels. Her worry pricking at the back of his mind. 

Murdock stares up at him, eyes glassy and BA wishes Peck were here. _He_ seems like the touchy feely type. He’d know what to do about this. Whatever this is. 

“Come on fool,” he tries for authoritative and sounds more annoyed than anything else. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me why you’re actin’ weirder than normal.” 

“I don’t like being alone,” Murdock says. “They might come for her.” 

And if BA thought he had questions before he has plenty more now. 

“Who?” 

“ _Them._ ” He says it like a curse, like a secret. 

“Them who?” He scowls. 

“From _Mexico_.” 

“Fool, ain’t nobody around here from Mexico.” 

Murdock trembles, he stares up at BA. 

“Can I stay here?”

BA should say no. Should make Murdock go back and sleep in his own room like the grown man he is, but Petra, who is vulnerable in all the ways he refuses to be, answers first. 

“Yes.” Her voice dares him to argue. He doesn’t. “You’ll be safe.”

“What if they come?” 

“They won’t come,” Petra promises. “I won’t let them.” 

“We won’t let them,” BA corrects. “Now get in bed, fool.” 

Murdock collapses onto the bed and curls up.

“Is he okay?” Petra asks softly as BA pulls up the blankets. 

“He’s crazy,” BA answers out of habit. Petra’s ears twitch in irritation. 

“That wasn’t what I meant.” 

“I know.”

He looks down at Murdock. He looks small, BA realizes, and wonders how he’s never noticed how skinny the man is before. 

“We’ll keep him safe,” Petra growls. “ _They_ can’t have him.” 

BA doesn’t answer, he just just lays down next to Murdock, turns off the lamp, and doesn’t fall asleep for a long long time.

**V**

When he wakes up Murdock’s gone. Along with all traces that he’d been there. The side of the bed he’d occupied is folded up and smoothed over and BA can almost convince himself that it was all some sort of bizarre dream. Almost.

“He isn’t here,” Petra says redundantly. 

“I’m sure he’s around,” BA replies, getting out of bed. “Let’s go find him.” 

They don’t have to go far. Murdock is in the living room cutting up a telephone book and rearranging the numbers on the coffee table.

“BA!” He shouts. “Nice of you to join us! Cielia and I are just tryin’ to crack this here code.”

“That ain’t no code, it’s the phone book,” he shoots back. 

“Only because that’s what the government wants you to believe. See most people think that the Russians all went home, but I know better. They’re still out there and we had to form new ideas to get information to our troops!”

“Right,” BA scoffs. “Whatever you say.” 

“I knew you’d understand!” Murdock beams up at him, but there’s something different about it. Something’s wrong in the way it looks, in the way Cielia is perched on Murdock’s knees rather than fluttering around. 

“We gonna talk about last night?” He asks bluntly. 

Murdock stiffens, his hand goes to touch Cielia’s head, “Talk about what?” 

“What do you mean ‘talk about what?’ You came to me, remember.” 

“Nope.” 

At his feet Petra growls.

“Fine,” he grouches. “Be that way. See if I help you again.” 

It’s cruel and he can hear his mama’s admonishment in his mind. He doesn’t care. He’s tired and confused and hungry and all that is making him angry. 

“BA, wait!” Murdock’s on his feet, Cielia on his shoulder.

“What?” He snaps.

Murdock hesitates, wrings his hands together, BA scowls at him.

“Well?” 

“Just...uh, thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” a bit of the anger melts away. “You gonna tell me what it was all about.” 

Murdock’s lips purse together, he shrugs, “Sometimes I have bad days. Since we left Mexico most of my days have been good, but…” he trails off.

“Sometimes you have days like last night,” BA finishes. 

He nods. 

BA wants to ask follow up questions. Wants to push and push until all the parts that make Murdock confusing fall away and leave BA with something he can understand, but he doesn’t. Instead he breathes like his mama used to tell him to do and decides to leave it be.

“Right. Well, I gotta head to the store. You wanna come with? I’m thinking of picking up some gummy worms.” 

Murdock’s head shoots up, “Really?” 

“Sure, you’re a part of this team aren’t you? You gotta do your share and help carry home the groceries.” 

Murdock beams and this time it’s right. This time it lights up his face and Cielia flutters off his shoulder excitedly. “Of course I want to come! Just give me a moment to find my shoes! Billy likes to drag them off to who knows where.”

He darts out of the room.

“Billy?” He asks Petra.

“I have no idea, it’s probably best not to ask.” 

BA nods in agreement. Watches as Murdock comes fumbling back into the room with his shoes on the wrong feet and talking a mile a minute. 

Sighing, he looks down at Petra who looks amused. 

“This was your idea,” she reminds him. “Imagine what he’ll be like once the sugar rush hits.” 

She hisses a chuckle at his look of horror and starts walking towards the door as Murdock flings it open and all, but skips outside. He’s still talking. Already BA can feel the headache building and the annoyance growing, but this, he decides, is better than the horror of last night. 

Closing the door behind him he follows after Murdock. 

He still doesn’t understand the madman. Doesn’t understand how a man as smart as he is could be as crazy as he is, but he thinks he can be okay with that. Thinks that he can grow to like him anyways. Just as long, he decides, as he never has to fly with him again.

**Author's Note:**

> The classic whose daemon is whose and what animal they are that's always at the bottom of these kinds of stories.
> 
>  **Murdock:** Cielia, a hummingbird, this bird is unique because it can change flight paths easily (such as fly backwards) and hover in the air. It has an inability to walk and will usually fly no matter what the distance.  
>  **BA:** Petra, a honey badger, listed as the most fearless animal in the world honey badgers are aggressive and tend to be solitary creatures. They’re unafraid to attack creatures much larger than them.


End file.
